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This Fractured Classic is under Decomposition!


Fractured Classics Presents:
A Martin and Lewis Film
Jerry is Hamlet and Dean is Horatio
In the Shakespeare inspired classic


"Hold that Hamlet!"


The scene is Elsinschnora. Dean enters, bows and begins to sing.

"When the moon hits your eye like a ghost in the sky it's Hamlet's father.
When your mom is a nut, you can say, oh so what? But your family's a mess.
You sing a little tune, howl at the moon, your throne has been usurped, now.
Your Uncle thinks you're a fool! And all you can do is yell 'Hey Lady!'"

Jerry Lewis as Hamlet enters wearing a sailor suit.

Jerry: "Ohhhhhh, there goes the fair Ophelia. Hey Lady!!!"
Ophelia: "Why, my lord, Hamlet. What dost thou want of me?"
Jerry: "Whhhhhat did you say???"
Ophelia:"I asked what dost thou want of me, my lord."
Jerry: "Dust? Whhhhat am I going to doooo with dust, lady?"
Ophelia: "Dost thou no remember the fair Ophelia, my lord, Hamlet?"
Jerry: "Aggggain with the dust and the thou's and the thees, and hose in my nose."
Ophelia: "Oh, he is not in his right mind."
Jerry: "Whhhhhat? I'm no leftist!"

Enter Horatio

Dean:"Hubba hubba, who is this lovely lady?"
Ophelia:(smiles at Horatio and holds her hand out to be kissed. Horatio obliges)"I am the fair Ophelia."
Dean: "Welllll, baby, maybe we should take a walk in the moonlight."
Jerry: "Heyyy, Horatioooo, that's my laaaaady, you're talkin' to."
Dean: "Hey, Hambaby. I just passed your father not a minute ago."
Jerry: "My fadda? The good and the nice and the wondaful Papa Hamlet? Whose name I bear with pride and goodness and fairness and niceness? My recently dead fadda?"
Dean: (winking at Ophelia)"Why don't you run along, Hambaby and look for yourself. He was out there plain as day."
Jerry: "Oooookkaaay, but ya not gonna move in on my girl, are ya?"
Dean: "Now, do I look like that kind of guy?"
Jerry: "Ooookkkkaaay. I'm coming Fadda!"

Jerry wanders the dark shores of Elsinschnora looking for his fadda. He runs into the Ghost played by Jonathan Winters.

Ghost:"Sonny? Is that you, sonny? My bouncing baby boy? Is that really you?"
Jerry:"Faaaaadddda? Papa Hamlet? You look terrrrrible."
Ghost:"Yes, I have looked better, my dear sonny boy. But I am dead. Killed, alive no more."
Jerry:"I know, Fadda. I was at the funereeaal service. As was my good and nice and wondaful mudda who right after you hit the ground married my not so nice, not so good Uncle Claudius."
Ghost:"Yes, Claudius, my brother and my murderer!"
Jerry:"Whhhhaaaaaat? My mudda married the murderer of my fadda?"
Ghost:"I'm afraid it is true, sonny boy. Dost thou know what thou should do about it?"
Jerry: "Again with the dust and the thees and the thous and the hose in my nose?"
Ghost:"Well, this is the serious part, sonny boy. The part where I ask you do avenge my murder."
Jerry:"Sure, avenge your murder. I can do that. I'll go tell that murderin' mudda marryin' Uncle of mine off right now."
Ghost:"I was thinking you should kill him."
Jerry:"Kill? Kill? Like with blood and swords and cutting and fighting and blood and blood and swords and cutting and hurting and bleeding and blood?"
Ghost:"Exactly what I had in mind, sonny, boy."

The ghost disappears and Hamlet runs down the beach back to the Castle Elsinschnora

Horatio enters arm in arm with Ophelia

Horatio:"When the moon hits your eye like Ophelia,oh, my, my,
You steal your best friend's girlfriend.
Yes, I know that it's wrong, poor Ham's pain is so strong,
Hambaby's had it rough.
His Uncle's killed his fadda, then married his mudda.
It gives new meaning to dysfunctional.
I could try to resist. I could cease and desist.
But I love her!
Take Me Back To The Classics Decomposed
Hey, lady, this way to Frankenhamlet
I need a Taxi Driver Hamlet