Ever wonder what it would be like if Paul Schrader's Travis Bickle met William Shakespeare's Hamlet? Well, wonder no more kids, De Niro's Bickle is going to set the stage on fire!

Frank Barnardo: Yo! Ray (short for Horatio) What's up Mark?
MARK: Ray sez we've been eatin' too many of them vender hot dogs!
'Claims they've rotted our brains and vision.
RAY: C'mon, you guys! You didn't see nothin'!
All those preservatives and junk is playing tricks on your mushed brains.
How many times I got to tell you to quit eatin' that stuff?
FRANK: Yeah! Right!...Some day!

(enter Ghost)

MARK: Shoot! There it is again!
FRANK: Yeah, it's that creep driver Travis Hamlet's dead old man!
Hell, say something to it Ray!
Ray: ME? I don't think so!
MARK: It's gone!
RAY: I'm gone!

(Enter Claudius P. Doleton, candidate for senate, Ophelia, Cybil Sheppard, Hamlet, etc.)

CLAUDIUS: "Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death. The memory is green, and that it is befitted. However, I am the best man for the job!
Anyway, Lost by his father with all bands of law, To our valiant brother. So much for him
I am however the best possible man to take over office! And now Laertes, what's news with you?" Do the polls show in my favor?"
LAERTES: "I leave your favor and return to main campaign office in Mid-town, From whence though I willingly I came to Brooklyn! To show my duty to you at the rally!"
CLAUDIUS: "Did your father leave a donation? What says Polonius?"
POLONIUS: "I say, you are bleeding me dry!"

(Claude grants Laertes request to go back to camp headquarters. He asks Hamlet why he is so melancholy)

CLADIUS: "Take thy fair hour Laertes, time to thine, and thy best graces, but to call in his favors"
But now my cousin Hamlet, and my son-"
HAMLET:"A little more than kin, and less than kind"
CLAUDIUS: "How is it that the clouds still hang on you?"
HAMLET: "I pray, too much scotch"
GERTRUDE: "Good Hamlet cast thy nighted colour off, And let an alka seltzer do the trick!"
HAMLET: "Ay madam, it is a common remedy" (Plop-plop. Fizz-fizz)
CLAUDIUS: "Tis sweet and commendable in your nature Hamlet, To give these mourning duties to your father; But you must know, that even your father passed literature for his father; Could you put this literature in you cab whilst you are on duty tonight? Oh, and least not forget these bumper stickers. "
Sorry, I meant that father lost, lost his and the survior bound In filial obligation for some term:
GERTRUDE: "Let not thy mother lose her prayers Hamlet. I pray thee stay with us, answer phones and not go to Lackawanna this week-end."

(Hamlet longs for death due to the bad hang-over but knows suicide is forbidden by God
He is disgusted that his mother has married so soon after his father's death and has switched political affiliations. However, he must keep silent. He greets Ray and Mark)

RAY: "What's up?"
HAMLET: "I am glad to see you. What make brings you here from all the way from Manhattan?"?
RAY: "I thought I'd catch a few beers. And I came to see your father's funeral"
HAMLET: "Ray, sometimes I think I see my dead father"
RAY: "Where?"
HAMLET: "In my mind's eyes sometimes when I just sitting in the cab"
RAY: "I think I saw him yesterday"
HAMLET: "Get thee outta here, Ray! My father!?"
RAY: "I swear upon the witness of these gentleman and my mother's grave!"

(Ray reports the sightings of the Ghost. How it was clad in army fatigues and how it vanished. Hamlet is troubled by what he hears. He agrees to meet the others at that night at Grand Central and speak with the ghost)

HAMLET: "My father in army fatigues? All is not well. I doubt some foul play."
RAY: "Good lord, here it comes!"

(Ray and Mark take off, leaving Hamlet to deal with the ghostly figure. The ghost motions to Hamlet)

GHOST: " Mark me"
HAMLET: "You talkin' to me?"(looking around in total confusion) What kind of crap is this?
GHOST: "My hour is almost come. Anyway, When I do sulph'rous and tormenting flames must render up my soul"
HAMLET: "You talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to me? Well, there's no one else here!(Hamlet reaches inside his jacket and pulls out his magnum. The ghost then give's Hamlet pop to the head)
HAMLET: "Ouch! Alright already! Speak I am bound to hear. Geez!"
GHOST: "So art thou to revenge, when thou shalt hear."
HAMLET: "Huh?"
GHOST: "I am thy father's spirit. Doomed for certain term to walk the night the halls of Grand Central, grasping for bits of information on the any new Andrew Lloyd Weber play and Liz Smith gossip (ed.we are truly in hell).

And for the day, to wander all the Papaya Huts in Manhattan, to fling handfuls of sauerkraut at unsuspecting customers and to chug that powered fruit drink, Till the foul hot dogs and crimes done in my days of nature
Are burnt and purgued away. But I am forbid
To tell the secrets of of my prison house,
Do you have any idea what are in those hot dogs?

If thou didst ever thy dear father love-"
HAMLET: "O God! But to tell you the truth, I was never all that crazy about you after...

Well, I can forgive you know!"
GHOST: "Revenge this foul and most unnatural murder."
HAMLET: "Murder? Oh, here we go!"

(Hamlet is ready to take immediate revenge for his father, least he have to deal with another pop to the head! Not mention the fact that he is ready to put to good use all the arms and hardware purchased through an arms group sponsored by the NRA. The Ghost reveals that he was killed by his brother Claudius P. Doleton. The Ghost also expresses disgust at his wife's union with his brother and her new party affiliation)

GHOST: " Murder most foul, as in the best it is, But this most foul, strange and unnatural."
HAMLET: "Hast me to know't that I with wings and a good firearm as swift
As meditation or the thoughts of like (he says sheepishly)
May sweep to my revenge."
GHOST: " I find thee apt, Not to mention that's a nice piece you got there! Can I take a look at that?" (The Ghost looks over the weapon and draws as a cowboy would facing a shoot out) Now Hamlet hear,'Tis given out that sleeping in my orchard, A serpent stung me. So the whole ear of New York is by a forged process of my death
Rankly abused, but know, thou noble youth, The serpent that did sting thy father's life Now seek's his office. Can you believe it? He poisoned me!
HAMLET: "Oh my pathetic soul! My uncle?"
GHOST: "You got it, Bub!"

(Enter Ray and Mark)

HAMLET: "As you are my friends and fellow drivers, Give me one poor request."
RAY: "What?"
HAMLET: "Never make known what you have seen tonight."
RAY AND MARK: "We swear on our grandmother's grave!"
HAMLET: "Cross your hearts and hope to die! Upon my gun!"
RAY AND MARK: "Okay, okay, we swear! Give us a break!"

The Hamlet Cracked!

OPHELIA: "I was making some precinct phones calls. Hamlet with his doublet all unbraced. He was one big mess!
He looked like hell!"
POLONIUS: "Apparently he as an eye for you."
OPHELIA: "Yeeck!"
POLONIUS: "So what said he?"
OPHELIA: "He took me by the wrist and held me hard and says. I can't take another 24 hour shift in that taxi!
He complained of all the tourist in Manhattan who have no clue as to where they are going and expect me to get there! Then he complained about having to past out literature in the car! Well, duh!
He then plants and big kiss upon my trembling lips.
And end his being. That done, he lets me go."
POLONIUS: "That's it! Come, go with me, I will see Doleton about this!"

(Ophelia doing her best Alicia Silverstone)

OPHELIA: "But Dad-dee! I did repel his letters and offers to go to those icky little theatres. As if!

You'd think he would at least take me to an upper east side theatre to see
"Emma" and then dinner at the Rainbow Room, but not in that smelly cab!
Smells like a Papaya Hut in there! I'm telling you, he's totally clueless!"

Yes, Virginia there is a Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! And woe onto them.

CLAUDIUS: "Welcome dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! How's business?
The need we have to see you did provoke our hasty sending. Here's the deal. Hamlet's lost it!" We need you to find out what's going on!"
GERTRUDE: "Good gentleman, you didn't by chance park your taxis out in front of the house did you?
Hamlet hath talked of you in such, shall we say in graphic and colourful language."
ROSENCRANTZ: "Both your senatships. Might by the sovereign power you have of us
How did you did you find out those kick backs?"
GUILDENSTERN: "'Got any beer?"
CLAUDIUS: "Look, here's the deal, you do as I say or you both will find
yourselves up on charges!"
ROSENCRANTZ AND GUIDLENSTERN: "We heard that!" (Enter Hamlet)

ROSENCRANTZ: "Hey Ham!"
GUILDENSTERN: "How's it hangin'?"
HAMLET: "Most excellent slime!
How do you both?"
ROSENCRANTZ: "Oh, as indifferent as a yellow cab driver!"
HAMLET: "So Arnold, I hear your new lady Iris is a real strumpet"
ROSENCRANTZ: "And we hear you're buggin'!"
HAMLET: "Then is doomsday near-but your news is not true. Let me question
more in particular. What have deserved at the hands of fortune.

That Yankee win most have brought you a bundle! New York is such a prison."
GUILDENSTERN: "Must you put it that way? ...Well yeah!"
ROSENCRANTZ (to Guildenstern)"What say you?"
GUILDENSTERN: "He's buggin'!"
ROSENCRANTZ: " Anyway, life's been sweet. I gotta tell ya, tho, Hamlet we were went for"
HAMLET: "I'll tell you why. So shall my anticipation prevent your discovery and your secrecy to

Claudius and Gertrude moult no feather
I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my murth, forgone
all custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily with my
disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden congregation of vapours.
What a piece of work is a man! How noble and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how
like a god! The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals - and
yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not
me - nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so."
ROSENCRANTZ: "Hey there was no such stuff in my thoughts. Man, I don't even know what you said!"
GUILDENSTERN: "Hey, wasn't those words from some old hippy show?"
ROSENCRANTZ: "Yeah, some revival show! Me and Iris went on one of her nights off and checked in out" I shoudda gone to Grease
instead man! Those audiences are rockin'!
GUILDENSTERN AND ROSENCRANTZ: You're buggin'!

Click yours heels and say "There's no place like home...!
FrankenHamlet,takes out the garbage!
Hey, Lady! I wanna visit Jerry and Dean.