"To talk about my life one must have an understanding of the world that I come from. A world not of monetary, but of rich cultural privilege that is open to so few and desired by so many in this world. My father, Junius Smythe DeWynter was a thespian extraordinare. An actor of poise, polish and range. What can I say about Mother, other than she was beautiful, if high strung and brilliant. You would know her as the actress, Millicent Van Seabert Whist. A star of the british stage and of early motion pictures. Then there are my siblings, successful all, in their own right. The eldest, myself, happens to be the most successful and talented of them all, but I fear I might seem a bit full of myself in saying this, but I only speak the truth.
Wherein my writing of my autobiography is interrupted by an urgent call from Washington D.C.
It is April and the phone rings just as I finish the first draft of the introduction to my autobiography. On the line is my lawyer and close friend, Miranda P. Simmons Smyth Nelson, who informs me that prosecutor Kenneth Starr, a man of dubious pedigree, has called me to testify about some woman named Monica, who claims to have had relations of an intimate nature with me when I visited the White House to perform my famous and world reknowned excerpts from Shakespeare. I am taken aback by this charge and agree to face this modern Javert, so that I might clear things up. I have just returned from this ordeal and can state with confidence that I was in magnificent form. At this time I cannot dislose the nature of the questions, but can say that I answered them well. Now, I shall get back to my personal history. I wish to talk a bit of my adopted brother, Rob Morrow Smythe Whist DeWynter. A fine chap, he lived with my fabulously talented family for many years and I do think that some of our talent did rub off on him if only just enough to make a decent living in television and the occasional motion picture. My eldest sibling is my sister, Marta Louise Smythe DeWynter Fickle, who just this past year gave up her promising career as a lighting designer to marry Harry D. Fickle,, a Wall Street banker. I hope that one day Marta returns to her calling as she has great talent. Louise Marta Smythe DeWynter, is a director of avante garde theater and has recently graduated from Clown College. Louise has always been a clown at heart, a jester of the family. Her sense of humor and good fun has carried us through many an eviction notice. Next in line are the co-joined twins Harry and Carry. Many of you may be uncomfortable reading about Harry and Carry, preferring turn your eyes away from those who are different. I urge you not to do this but rather to embrace the different. Harry and Carry are really quite content with their lot. They were separated at birth, but do to the precarious finances of my family, my father, who was between acting jobs, could not pay the surgeons for their handiwork. This led to the headline in The Weekly World News:
"Cruel Docs Re-Attach Siamese Twins!!!"
Yes, those twins were my brothers, Harry and Carry. Not until this day did has this been revealed, but now the story must be told. It is my hope that telling about this painful incident will keep any other doctor from doing such a thing in the name of filthy lucre! But the story has a happy ending. Harry and Carry turned what some see as a disability into gold. Brilliant fashion designers they have started a very successful line of clothing for co-joined people and women size 10 and up. They thrive, have married Victoria Secrets lingerie models and have twelve children between them. The youngest in my family is Merton Whist DeWynter. Merton has followed my father and I onto the stage. I have had the pleasure of working with Merton in the upcoming film "Edwin and John: A Brother's Story" which chronicles the life and times of the Booth acting dynasty. My father makes an appearance as Junius and I am proud to say my mother plays my mother in the film.
I had resolved, that though I was a serious actor I would also become a heart throb. However fate intervened. My heart throb roles just didn't materialize and then most suddenly there was: WAR! Yes, WAR got in the way. I had to decide whether to stay the course or entertain the troops who were stationed in the a desert nation where each foot step produced lots of crude oil. The evil despot who ran the place reminded me a great deal of my nemesis in my first film Desert Wind. So, I knew that I must go to the desert once again and use my movie star experience to help the world! And could I say no to the President of the United States? Alfred E. Newman Bush calledme himself to beg me to go and help keep the troops morale up. He also asked if Vixen Von Blade, my luscious co-star in desert Wond could come along with me. All this while I was stil in makeup for my most demanding role of Binks the Dog face boy in Return to the Island of Dr. Moreau! But , I digress. I donned my Desert Wind robes, so as to blend in with the locals, hopped on the first plane out of Fiji and soon found myself in a land of desert mystery, scud missles and windburn!
Stay tuned for Nestle DeWynter's Letters from the Front! Underwritten by all the oil companies of the world.
update March 2003