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Hamlet



Kenneth Branagh is Hamlet the Action Figure

His hair bleached blond and looking more like a Nazi storm trooper than a Danish Prince or a melancholy Dane, Kenneth Branagh puts his entire ego on the line and up on the wide screen in 70 millimeter format. I admit to never being a Branagh fan. I didn't like his other adaptations of Shakespeare's plays, but this time he's boring me to tears and heck, this is RIP film magazine which means I've only seen the trailer!
In the trailer Ken B. milks "To be or not to be" for all it's worth while admiring his blondness in the mirror. No one will ever believe that this narcissistic Hamlet would ever choose not to be.
But there is more. Julie Christie as Gertrude looking aghast! Derek Jacobi is Claudius with a brush cut! Robin Williams looking, well, like Robin Williams. His is just one of the many cameos by famous Hollywood stars. Even Moses, yes, Moses, Charleton Heston shows up as the Player King. There's Billy Cyrstal, so I guess Ken B. is hoping Billy hosts this years Oscars and puts in the fix for this overlong, over bloated version of Shakespeare's classic. and now, what else is left to do, but sing! Take it away Gilbert and Sullivan!!

"My name is Hamlet and I am a Prince
I'm in a new movie that will make you wince
I have some scenes not in the play
Where they call me Dirty Hamlet and "I say make my day."

Chorus sings: He has some scenes not in the play
Where they call him dirty Hamlet and he says "Make my day"

Kenneth Branagh directed and he stars too
The cast is a Hollywood who's who
He eats up the scenery until he's full
Then turns a great play into a lot of bull

Chorus: He eats up the scenery until he's full
Then turns a great play into a lot of bull

Hamlet has a nude scene with Ophelia
At least there is no necrophelia
I wish Kenny B. would leave well enough alone
And not hang on like a dog with a bone

Chorus: We wish Kenny B. would leave well enough alone
And not hang on like a dog with a bone

So, if you ignore RIP mags advice, please beware
There is a scene where bodkins are bare
You won't mind cause you'll be asleep
But spending your money on the tickets will make you weep

Chorus: You won't mind cause you'll be asleep
But spending money on the tickets will make you weep